January in a Reflection

Good morning,

The motivation to write and the time to process thoughts are in sync. The month of January is over. To date it has become one of the best and worst months in my recent history. It all started when:

On December 31st I found myself at the abode of one of my oldest friends (I've known her for going on 18 years) celebrating with a mass of high school buddies to bring in the New Year. There was a bonfire, fireworks, games, and drinks galore. The previous time I graced her lawn was back in the Fall of 2007 when I got a bit too free with my emotions and in an attempt at turning the spotlight on me, I pushed someone equally "free" into a pool and ruined his phone. Needless to say, the spotlight was indeed turned to me, but not as I wanted it. That night wasn't a good one, and it was refreshing to know that with the new year on our footsteps, I had yet to make an ass of myself this time. Actually, quite the reverse happened. You see, I went to bed earlier than the rest and as a consequence woke earlier. This gave me time to clean up a bit of the mess from the party and organize things for when my host rose. It was the best get-together I'd ever been to.

As January went on I found myself back in Rolla for Winter Training and Winterfest (of which was my idea, but also of which I did not contribute). The training was turning out to be bittersweet, namely due to the fact that my days were numbered as a student. I had yet to procure enough funds to return to Rolla and many nights before my return I found myself crying as I slept. I didn't want to say good-bye. This was to be the year of my graduation and I've fought long and hard to get where I am. I wasn't done, I'd not yet fulfilled my purpose, not established my legacy. On January 7th at 3:30pm in the afternoon I was able to come to a financial agreement of sorts with the University. A "dummy" loan was set up as anticipated aid so as to allow for my registration for the Spring Semester courses necessary for graduation at the end of the year. Shortly after the "dummy" loan was set up I was blessed with the support of a true friend. He volunteered to be a co-signer on a loan that would take care my of struggle until after I received my degree. Things were looking up.

Winter Training happened. It was different from the previous three I had been a part of in various positions and there seemed to be more promise in the atmosphere. Whether that promise came from a realized safety on my part in way of financing or in the knowledge and realization of the leadership potential the department has been able to garner this year, or both. It felt better, it felt good.

Three weeks of classes have gone by. I'm not where I want to be with all of them, but I'm on the right track. I still legitimately have the potential for a 4.0 semester. Personality Theory with Sharpsteen is proving new, refreshing, difficult to understand, and exciting all at once. Organizational with Martin seems to be similar to all of the other "Martin" courses: fun, honest, testing. Group Dynamics with Stone is proving a much more enriching experience than the last time I took it, though I don't have as good a company as I did previously. Statistics scares me a little, but it's all math that I can understand. I just don't possess the affinity for mathematics that most Rolla students seem to project.

Early in January I decided it was best to move off-campus. Money was tight, and I was facing difficulties even managing enough to stay in TJ this one semester. Just think what it'd be like with the increases in the Fall. In my realization that off-campus was where I needed to be, I asked my current room-mate; who surprising shared little interest, at least little interest in moving off with me. Luck came my way when in sitting down at the deemed "Res. Life" table I overheard word of a potential apartment located at 805 N. State St. that was to have 17 rooms. After hearing more about it, I was placed on a "maybe" list of potentials that might move in, along with a number of very diverse and dynamic personalities. I invited John (my room-mate) to see his thoughts, and we invited a couple more from 5 South. But, as seemed tradition if you invite a few, you invite the rest. So, I found myself at the helm of 7 others behind me on the way to look at an apartment. The initial party formed was a bit in shock, but dealt with it. After touring the apartment the first time, I was so excited and ready to sign right then and there. My floor, was not...well, my room-mate was not. He wanted to browse other living options...supposing that's a smart idea.

As a consequence of my liking for the apartment on State St. he organized a touring of another location without my invitation. Once I realized I was being excluded...I hurt. I finagled a few things in the way of proving my interest in living with the floor I too went with to a new apartment on Pine St. I was unhappy, and lost. I felt like through my exclusion I wasn't worth anything. I also didn't want to live in a basement with only one window. I need the sun.

This story came to a conclusion when I realized that while I loved the community that was on 5, I want happiness and well-being more. My happiness came when I decided to live in the first apartment. This was not without some consequence, but I was ready and willing to take them on. I needed a room-mate to help me with the costs, and surprisingly found one in one who's becoming more and more important to me in my life.

Toward the latter part of January with: finances coming in that ultimately secured my semester (I've a zero balance for the year on Joe'SS), academics coming in manageable and exciting doses, elected positions reaping benefits (the Senior Staff Selection process is nearly complete, I'm learning and applying skills as the leader of the National Residence Hall Honorary, and I've developed quite the bond with my President of the Thomas Jefferson Hall Association), and my housing for the Fall getting resolved...I found myself wandering a bit more. In my first wandering I made way to the Residential College.

I met up with a Resident Assistant who earlier in the month provided unexpected support and understanding for my financial situation and went out to eat. Through that process and in the inclusion of my future room-mate I was able to break down barriers and open myself up to a positive experience. After food, the three of us made way to the second of the RC buildings. Fun discussion was had. I discovered that I've a similar mind to the first fellow and we were able to feed off each-other, unashamedly at the expense of the third; but that all was resolved in an enlightening discussion. As the night went on, my initial supporter left and I was left in the presence of the other. This was the best and worst thing that could have happened.

The two of us opened up. I opened up in a way I have never done before. Boundaries were being blurred, relaxation and honest discussion was leading into a potentially unexpected climax. However, just when it seemed as if the night would lead to a ruining of our friendship, we were saved by the sobering realization that what might was to come, would not be good. We stopped. Talked. Processed. Hugged. Departed.

The month of January was a month to remember. Many times I found myself waking in one mood and sleeping in the opposite. Many times did I challenge my self-worth and purpose. Many times did I learn; all aspects of learning. Many times I wandered. Many times have I considered my roles in others' lives. Just many times...

But alas, the month is over and not without consequence; good and bad. While financing and others issues are resolved, relationships and emotions still need to be checked. I've still got quite the year ahead it seems. I'm resolved to taking it a day at a time. I want to continue my reflection, but I need those willing to listen to do just that. We'll see where that leads me.

Pakh out

P.S. In reprocessing and editing a bit of this post, I realized that there are still things left out in my recount. However, those above are the most important. Thank you for reading